But as parents, we have this overwhelming urge to protect our babies, to do what's right. And that's why we're such an easy market. As a result, there are tons of products out there that're just stupid, but we buy them anyway.
Here is a list of the top ten most ridiculous baby products out there right now.
10) Items that make your baby look like a moron:
Like the Baby Toupee.
Laugh it up, bitch.
This is mostly a joke, but it's a real product for real babies. It has no purpose other than for you to put it on and then laugh at how stupid your baby looks. Yeah.
It's not like they care, them being babies and all.
Only slightly better is the redneck pacifier:
Oh yes, it's a real binky. I laugh my ass off every time I see one of these. But the poor baby never looks amused.
9) Ridiculous Cribs
This is another one designed more for the parents than the baby. This wrought iron monstrosity costs more than $2,000:
I guess if parents really want to spend a brazillian dollars on the baby's nursery, it's their prerogative. But come on. The kid ain't the emperor of Japan. And as a practicality, once the baby starts moving around, those bumpers are going to get tugged on and ripped off, and the slates of the crib are going to get slobbered all over. Most cribs are wood and have a plastic coating, designed to be chewed on. This is more like a mini jail cell, with genuine iron bars.
If you're going to insist on putting your baby in this, item number 3 on this list is also recommended.
Speaking of cribs, while searching around tonight I saw this thing. I bet it's probably really comfortable for the baby, but man is it creepy. If the baby spends too much time in this thing he'll probably end up on late-night radio in 30 years talking about his repressed memories of being abducted by aliens:
That's the Moffii cradle, aka the Alien Overlord Doom Pod.
8) Feeding products designed to give dad the "experience" of breastfeeding.
There are many bottle slings and whatnots out there, designed to be put over the shoulder and hung right at the general nipple area in order to simulate breastfeeding.
No.
It's weird. Don't do it. There's nothing wrong with a dad spending as much time as possible caring for and feeding the baby, but this is over the top. I can guarantee you if your baby finds out once he's grown up, he'll never want to look at you again.
(And if you really want to be freaked out, read this article about men who really produce milk.)
7) The Leash.
Once you've sufficiently humiliated your baby by putting the toupee on, it's possible she may still have some self respect once she starts walking. Obviously you need to take her out into public and treat her like dog.
I have to admit I've seen plenty of toddlers out there who probably could use a leash. And you have to applaud parents who have proper control of their kids out in public. Plus it really can be a dangerous world out there.
But a leash? I can't be the only one who sees these and wonders what else the parents do to these poor kids. What's the trade off here? A little bit of safety in exchange for an adulthood trolling Craigslist for a dominatrix that looks just like mum? I think not.
6) The Stepford Baby Subliminal Programming CDs
There are tons of these on Amazon and Ebay. You play these CDs while baby sleeps, and she's bombarded with subliminal messages that'll help her grow up to be a genius.
I'm not a scientist. I don't know if subliminal advertising and programming works or not.
So let's assume just for a second that it does indeed work. Are you really that competitive that you are willing to mess with your baby's head just so she'll be motivated later in life to be a lawyer or an accountant, instead of a beatnik?
Do you know how sick and weird that is?
5) The Tummy Tub
It's a bathing system for your baby.
Here's the official website. Maybe it's just me, but sticking a baby in a bucket and then holding him by his head so he doesn't sink and drown doesn't exactly seem like the best method of giving him a proper bath.
4) Mommy's little sucker
A vacuum cleaner both mom and baby (well, toddler) can enjoy. This is a real vacuum that doubles as a toy a kid can ride. It's very neat looking.
When I first saw this, I thought it was awesome. But I keep getting these nagging little thoughts about it in practice, and I remember my mom. She likes the canister vacuum system. She always has. My dad used to have to buy her a new one every year because she would inevitably turn the corner and not look at where the canister part was, and it would plummet down the stairs to the first floor. Once it even caught on fire. Now imagine a screaming, deafened kid perched on back.
Besides, my three-year-old is terrified of the vacuum. It turns on, and she shrieks and jumps on the couch. I don't think the toy part of this would make it better. In fact, it'd probably make her paranoid of all her other toys.
3) The ThudGuard
It's a hardhat for your little klutz.
While there are babies out there with genuine medical conditions that require protective gear, this is marketed toward the average baby. Better safe than sorry! Keep a hardhat on your baby at all times, and she'll never get hurt!
This is just as humiliating as the leash. We all want to keep our babies safe. But if you're going to do something like this, you might as well wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them in a padded room until they're 18. Sure, accidents happen. But there's a difference between an ounce of prevention and a pound of it.
2) The Baby Keeper.
It's a baby carrier you hang over a public restroom stall while you go.
While I guess something like this is needed from time to time, I suspect rubbing a baby across the wall of a public bathroom might not be the most sanitary solution.
1) The Zaky Pillow: aka The Bed Wetter.
No.
It's weird. Don't do it. There's nothing wrong with a dad spending as much time as possible caring for and feeding the baby, but this is over the top. I can guarantee you if your baby finds out once he's grown up, he'll never want to look at you again.
(And if you really want to be freaked out, read this article about men who really produce milk.)
7) The Leash.
She kept jumping the fence, so a leash was the next step. We don't want to have to spay her.
Once you've sufficiently humiliated your baby by putting the toupee on, it's possible she may still have some self respect once she starts walking. Obviously you need to take her out into public and treat her like dog.
I have to admit I've seen plenty of toddlers out there who probably could use a leash. And you have to applaud parents who have proper control of their kids out in public. Plus it really can be a dangerous world out there.
But a leash? I can't be the only one who sees these and wonders what else the parents do to these poor kids. What's the trade off here? A little bit of safety in exchange for an adulthood trolling Craigslist for a dominatrix that looks just like mum? I think not.
6) The Stepford Baby Subliminal Programming CDs
There are tons of these on Amazon and Ebay. You play these CDs while baby sleeps, and she's bombarded with subliminal messages that'll help her grow up to be a genius.
I'm not a scientist. I don't know if subliminal advertising and programming works or not.
So let's assume just for a second that it does indeed work. Are you really that competitive that you are willing to mess with your baby's head just so she'll be motivated later in life to be a lawyer or an accountant, instead of a beatnik?
Do you know how sick and weird that is?
5) The Tummy Tub
It's a bathing system for your baby.
Here's the official website. Maybe it's just me, but sticking a baby in a bucket and then holding him by his head so he doesn't sink and drown doesn't exactly seem like the best method of giving him a proper bath.
4) Mommy's little sucker
A vacuum cleaner both mom and baby (well, toddler) can enjoy. This is a real vacuum that doubles as a toy a kid can ride. It's very neat looking.
When I first saw this, I thought it was awesome. But I keep getting these nagging little thoughts about it in practice, and I remember my mom. She likes the canister vacuum system. She always has. My dad used to have to buy her a new one every year because she would inevitably turn the corner and not look at where the canister part was, and it would plummet down the stairs to the first floor. Once it even caught on fire. Now imagine a screaming, deafened kid perched on back.
Besides, my three-year-old is terrified of the vacuum. It turns on, and she shrieks and jumps on the couch. I don't think the toy part of this would make it better. In fact, it'd probably make her paranoid of all her other toys.
3) The ThudGuard
It's a hardhat for your little klutz.
While there are babies out there with genuine medical conditions that require protective gear, this is marketed toward the average baby. Better safe than sorry! Keep a hardhat on your baby at all times, and she'll never get hurt!
This is just as humiliating as the leash. We all want to keep our babies safe. But if you're going to do something like this, you might as well wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them in a padded room until they're 18. Sure, accidents happen. But there's a difference between an ounce of prevention and a pound of it.
2) The Baby Keeper.
It's a baby carrier you hang over a public restroom stall while you go.
While I guess something like this is needed from time to time, I suspect rubbing a baby across the wall of a public bathroom might not be the most sanitary solution.
1) The Zaky Pillow: aka The Bed Wetter.
Look at this thing. I challenge you to look at this and a not be completely freaked out:
Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. Maybe if I close my eyes, it can't get me... Oh God it's still there.
Disembodied zombie hands to hold the baby in place.
I don't care how well they say this works. It's the creepiest baby product I have ever seen, and it deserves its place as #1 on this list.
So tell me, what did I miss?
I don't care how well they say this works. It's the creepiest baby product I have ever seen, and it deserves its place as #1 on this list.
So tell me, what did I miss?
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